Your life is not a template. Don’t project your experiences onto others
I am a control freak, I am a perfectionist and I have very strong opinions and feelings. This can make me a very difficult person to co-exist with as I’m very often quick to make judgements and can be extremely stubborn when my opinions are challenged. However, to contrast those aspects of myself, I am also very empathic, caring and often have internal struggles between the logical processes at work in my left brain and the strongly emotional responses in my right brain. As a result, although my logic would dictate that I should view something in a certain way, my empathy forces me to try to assume a different perspective so as to better reconcile the situation and create closure for all involved parties. A lack of closure disturbs me. Deeply. I recently learned that a lot of my eccentricities are due to my having the rarest personality type on the Myers Briggs Personality test (MBPI), that being the INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging) personality. But this posting isn’t about me being a square peg in a round hole, it’s about personal perspective. And the way that (all too often) people try to project their perspectives (which are based upon their own feelings, experiences, cultural background and, often, morals) onto the lives of others.
As an idealist, I like to believe that everyone is capable of being responsible for their own lives and decisions, but that many choose not to be. As a realist, I know that there are often circumstances which can be insurmountable for many people and I should not judge those people when I have no true concept of the challenges that they are facing. Especially when some of the greatest challenges known to man are ones that cannot be physically seen. That being said, sometimes the greatest obstacles (note: not challenges) that we experience are the ones that we have created for ourselves. When we make the decision to not “try” – when we give up before we’ve even begun to contemplate the enormity of what we are actually capable of achieving when we devote our energies towards our goals. Many people will use excuses like “I’ve always been told that I cannot so I’m not going to try because when I fail, I’ll be proving them all right”. These excuses are, in my opinion, a way of externalising blame for an internal decision.
When I was in high school, a turbulent and traumatic time for most people, I recall how, following differences of opinion, individuals would mouth off to their friends regarding the offending party’s actions and very often the phrase “tell them their future” would be thrown in. What does “tell them their future” mean? Basically we would make assumptions regarding how those individuals would live their lives; the bad decisions that they would make, the inevitable doom that would face them if they did not change their ways. These were general assumptions, they weren’t connected to religious belief (for the most part), and quite often (but not always), and although not baseless in their formulation, these predictions did not come to pass. Because not only are we unable to foresee the future, but we also often make these assumptions based on our own limited perspectives and fail to realise the various influences which will guide the paths of those around us. As an adult, I find that many people still like to “tell the future” for others, but the rationale applied is different. It’s no longer about how the other person behaves and the factors influencing that person’s life, it’s about the prophesier’s life experiences; the choices that the prophesier made and the results thereof that he or she is now projecting onto the life of someone else.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said:
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. ”
This pearl of wisdom is one that I have tried to apply to my own life. As a controlling person, I try to calculate risks so as to avoid making mistakes. However, sometimes the best way to learn is by making mistakes. It’s a rather complicated concept because one could also argue that “history repeats itself” and one should be wise enough to learn from the errors of others before us. But then again, I’m not talking about the grand scheme of things; I’m talking about choices that an individual makes which affect his or her life directly. Sometimes you need to stop crunching the numbers and realise that if you live your life in a manner built upon avoiding mistakes, you’re probably not going to experience all too many things.
In the vein of whether or not the choice you have made is or is not a mistake, I also like this perspective:
“There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.” – Lily (How I met your mother)
My interpretation of this perspective is this: just because it seems like the end result could be unfavourable, you won’t know it for certain until you’ve tried. If you don’t try it, you may always wonder if failing to do so was the biggest mistake of your life. Regret is never a good choice. And maybe regret is what motivates some people to project their experiences and the results of those experiences onto others; maybe in an ill-conceived strategy to help other people. The intentions are good, but the execution of those intentions often falls short because of the assumption that the outcome you experienced will be the same for everyone else. Maybe arrogance dictates that our outcomes are the only possibilities that everyone else is destined for? Or maybe an experience influenced you so profoundly that it resulted in your adoption of a dogmatic attitude towards it. Whether it’s arrogance or dogmatism that determines your perspective and the way you project it, what I feel everyone should consider before imposing their life’s template of an experience onto someone else is this: what are the other person’s motivations and have you considered the things that they want as opposed to what you think that they should want?
I’ve experienced this imposed perspective many a time. Sometimes I’ve heard about the advice given to others by perspective imposers, prophesiers. Things like:
“Don’t have children, they’ll ruin your life.”
Wow, I feel sorry for that person’s kids, especially if they’re being raised by someone with that degree of resentment towards their own offspring.
“I lived overseas and was in a secure job before I even thought about settling down. Don’t get married now, do things for ‘you’ first.”
Not bad advice, but also not exactly great advice. What if something that you want for you is to get married?
“You can’t get anywhere in life without a university education.” Or the converse: “What good is a university education? there are thousands of unemployed graduates!”
I’m a firm believer in the power of education. I believe it’s the best gift you can give to future generations. I would hope that when I have children, they will want to get a university education. But studying at university isn’t for everyone, not everyone can learn in that kind of environment and not everyone wants the kind of job that is likely to be derived from having that kind of education. There are many successful people in this world that have done remarkable things without that level of education. There are many unsuccessful people that haven’t reaped the benefits that they should have from that education. The future is not known, choices are yours to make and often there are circumstances that you cannot control.
Before you project your experience template onto someone else, try to disconnect your personal feelings and be a little bit more empathetic; to understand the other person’s perspective. I have plans for my life and I work towards those plans. I have hopes and, possibly expectations, for those that I care about, but that doesn’t give me the right to dictate how they should be living or the choices they should be making based on my personal beliefs and experiences. Maybe I think that they’ll regret the choice they’ve made, maybe I’ll pity them for the outcome that I suspect they’ll experience. But then again, maybe they’ll pity me? What if the outcome they have is the best thing for them? Just because I thought it was possibly the worst thing in terms of what I thought that person should want, doesn’t necessarily mean that it was. Perspective, don’t undervalue it. Don’t disregard it.
As an idealist, I like to believe that everyone is capable of being responsible for their own lives and decisions, but that many choose not to be. As a realist, I know that there are often circumstances which can be insurmountable for many people and I should not judge those people when I have no true concept of the challenges that they are facing. Especially when some of the greatest challenges known to man are ones that cannot be physically seen. That being said, sometimes the greatest obstacles (note: not challenges) that we experience are the ones that we have created for ourselves. When we make the decision to not “try” – when we give up before we’ve even begun to contemplate the enormity of what we are actually capable of achieving when we devote our energies towards our goals. Many people will use excuses like “I’ve always been told that I cannot so I’m not going to try because when I fail, I’ll be proving them all right”. These excuses are, in my opinion, a way of externalising blame for an internal decision.
When I was in high school, a turbulent and traumatic time for most people, I recall how, following differences of opinion, individuals would mouth off to their friends regarding the offending party’s actions and very often the phrase “tell them their future” would be thrown in. What does “tell them their future” mean? Basically we would make assumptions regarding how those individuals would live their lives; the bad decisions that they would make, the inevitable doom that would face them if they did not change their ways. These were general assumptions, they weren’t connected to religious belief (for the most part), and quite often (but not always), and although not baseless in their formulation, these predictions did not come to pass. Because not only are we unable to foresee the future, but we also often make these assumptions based on our own limited perspectives and fail to realise the various influences which will guide the paths of those around us. As an adult, I find that many people still like to “tell the future” for others, but the rationale applied is different. It’s no longer about how the other person behaves and the factors influencing that person’s life, it’s about the prophesier’s life experiences; the choices that the prophesier made and the results thereof that he or she is now projecting onto the life of someone else.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said:
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. ”
This pearl of wisdom is one that I have tried to apply to my own life. As a controlling person, I try to calculate risks so as to avoid making mistakes. However, sometimes the best way to learn is by making mistakes. It’s a rather complicated concept because one could also argue that “history repeats itself” and one should be wise enough to learn from the errors of others before us. But then again, I’m not talking about the grand scheme of things; I’m talking about choices that an individual makes which affect his or her life directly. Sometimes you need to stop crunching the numbers and realise that if you live your life in a manner built upon avoiding mistakes, you’re probably not going to experience all too many things.
In the vein of whether or not the choice you have made is or is not a mistake, I also like this perspective:
“There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.” – Lily (How I met your mother)
My interpretation of this perspective is this: just because it seems like the end result could be unfavourable, you won’t know it for certain until you’ve tried. If you don’t try it, you may always wonder if failing to do so was the biggest mistake of your life. Regret is never a good choice. And maybe regret is what motivates some people to project their experiences and the results of those experiences onto others; maybe in an ill-conceived strategy to help other people. The intentions are good, but the execution of those intentions often falls short because of the assumption that the outcome you experienced will be the same for everyone else. Maybe arrogance dictates that our outcomes are the only possibilities that everyone else is destined for? Or maybe an experience influenced you so profoundly that it resulted in your adoption of a dogmatic attitude towards it. Whether it’s arrogance or dogmatism that determines your perspective and the way you project it, what I feel everyone should consider before imposing their life’s template of an experience onto someone else is this: what are the other person’s motivations and have you considered the things that they want as opposed to what you think that they should want?
I’ve experienced this imposed perspective many a time. Sometimes I’ve heard about the advice given to others by perspective imposers, prophesiers. Things like:
“Don’t have children, they’ll ruin your life.”
Wow, I feel sorry for that person’s kids, especially if they’re being raised by someone with that degree of resentment towards their own offspring.
“I lived overseas and was in a secure job before I even thought about settling down. Don’t get married now, do things for ‘you’ first.”
Not bad advice, but also not exactly great advice. What if something that you want for you is to get married?
“You can’t get anywhere in life without a university education.” Or the converse: “What good is a university education? there are thousands of unemployed graduates!”
I’m a firm believer in the power of education. I believe it’s the best gift you can give to future generations. I would hope that when I have children, they will want to get a university education. But studying at university isn’t for everyone, not everyone can learn in that kind of environment and not everyone wants the kind of job that is likely to be derived from having that kind of education. There are many successful people in this world that have done remarkable things without that level of education. There are many unsuccessful people that haven’t reaped the benefits that they should have from that education. The future is not known, choices are yours to make and often there are circumstances that you cannot control.
Before you project your experience template onto someone else, try to disconnect your personal feelings and be a little bit more empathetic; to understand the other person’s perspective. I have plans for my life and I work towards those plans. I have hopes and, possibly expectations, for those that I care about, but that doesn’t give me the right to dictate how they should be living or the choices they should be making based on my personal beliefs and experiences. Maybe I think that they’ll regret the choice they’ve made, maybe I’ll pity them for the outcome that I suspect they’ll experience. But then again, maybe they’ll pity me? What if the outcome they have is the best thing for them? Just because I thought it was possibly the worst thing in terms of what I thought that person should want, doesn’t necessarily mean that it was. Perspective, don’t undervalue it. Don’t disregard it.
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