How do I do it all? I'm going to let you in on a secret…

I don't. 

Not that that is actually a secret, it's actually just the obvious answer that most people fail to assume.

There are many emotions that I could feel when it comes to the perception that many people seem to have of me. The perception that I am somehow amazingly strong, organised and energetic to be able to keep as many proverbial balls up in the air as I do. But the problem with this perception, despite the bragging rights I could have from it, is that it's based on a false narrative. Because while my life is very busy, I don't manage to keep all those balls in the air. They often crash around me, with resounding reverberations that stumble my steps and haunt my thoughts. Of the range of possible emotions to feel, the ones that stand out from the sounds of crashing, are shame and embarrassment. Because I am a fraud.

I am not some “Wonder Woman” or “Supermom” who balances work and life with grace and aplomb. Like most working moms, I live with the guilt that I have had to pay for my toddler to be looked after by daycare staff. I tell myself that she is blossoming socially (and she is), but then I feel terrible on those days when I drop her off in the morning to a soundtrack of tears, made all the worse by the pain etched on my daughter's face as she watches me leave. Those days are few and far between now that she's grown accustomed to (and fond of) going to school, but each time they rear their head, I feel the sting of sadness. I know in my heart that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me, that I need the challenges of work to keep myself occupied, but it remains a bitter pill to swallow when I consider the other precious time that I miss out on with my daughter because, sadly, my “9 to 5” during the week is followed by weekends of moonlighting to pay the bills.

So current tally includes being a working mom who works a second weekend job. And the comments trickle in about how I manage to do it with so little downtime. But do I really manage to do it? What constitutes managing it? Showing up for the work, getting it done? What about when I come home and find myself too tired to properly keep up with my daughter when she wants to play? When I have visions of us drawing pictures or playing at the park, only to end up sitting or lying on the couch and hoping that she listens to me when I tell her to stop climbing on the TV cabinet or pulling chips and biscuits out of the cupboard lest I have to get up and physically stop her from doing these things. When I look forward to her bedtime so that I too can get to bed or watch adult content TV as opposed to enjoying the time that I have with her? Now, I do realise that I might be coming off as a bit hard on myself here because everyone has those days and it's normal to want “me time” to recuperate, but when I am away from her for so many hours on so many consecutive days it feels selfish to me that I don't enjoy the time I have with her more.

And *crash* there goes a ball. Quality time.

Now let's up the ante. Let's add the fact that I am also trying to complete a PhD. I first registered for this in the year before I fell pregnant with my daughter. And what a productive year it was! But then within 3 months of each other, I got a promotion at work and fell pregnant. PhD progress: slowing, almost to the point of stagnation. Add to this consideration that getting funding to study part-time as a full-time worker is very difficult and another limiting factor to progress. So now I am a working mom, with a weekend job and post-graduate studies. How do I do it all? I don't. My progress in my studies has been frustratingly slow. Despite the crash of the ball representing proper quality time with my daughter, I prioritise my family time over my studies. I also have to prioritise my work over my studies because we need a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

And… *crash*

With my desire to put my family first while still being gainfully employed, I opted to let another ball fall… *crash* This ball was my “me thing” - my activity where I could express myself, get out of the house, exercise, learn, develop and socialise. This ball was belly dancing. When I got back to work from maternity leave, I realised that between my competing pressures, I didn't have the time or energy to commit myself to belly dancing. I kept a foot in the door at the studio and stayed involved where possible, but without the actual experience of dancing. I felt then, and still do, that the studio will be there when I'm ready to go back. When I've been able to put the weight of my studies behind me and feel justified to take the “me time” once or twice a week without losing out too much on time with my toddler (and her sister who will be here soon) or my husband. But I still feel the pang of regret when it feels like my “spot” in the studio has been filled or when I catch snippets of banter on Facebook or the WhatsApp group and feel like I'm missing out on the inside joke.

I try to compensate for my lost dancing “me time” with other activities which soothe my soul while not being as overtly demanding. Like writing. Or reading. Or engaging in debate or philosophical conversations. I tried to combine some of these aspects of myself, along with my work and study interests, by creating a Facebook page wherein I share scientific information or jokes along with personal observations of work as a pharmacist and such. I enjoy the platform that has been created. But again comes the balancing act - a Facebook page is certainly not as important as family time or work, but it's easier to “half ass” through than concentrating on complicated statistical data and articles that I need to read, absorb and put to use in my studies. It's a nice “me” outlet. But it's also something which detracts from my PhD progress.

I'll drop a few more balls now that I'm going with it, I've already mentioned the bad student one more than once.

House work..

*crash*

Nurturing my pets

*crash*

Being a good friend

*crash*

Exercise

*crash*

Healthy diet

*crash*

Community involvement

*crash*

Self improvement

*crash*

At this point you could be forgiven for thinking that the bass line being dropped by all these crashes is background music for a pity party. That's not my intention here, even if my tone is rather melancholic and whiney. I really just want to convey the overwhelming emotions elicited by the false perception that I somehow “have it all together” when I feel despairingly that this is so far from the truth.

Most modern moms feel like this, that they are falling short of some standard - standards set by OTT magazine articles, Pintrest pages, (sancti)mommy blogs and more. I've written before, tongue-in-cheek, about being the perfect mom - lampooning the various criteria by which social and popular media define good parenting. I make no bones about my shortcomings and try to celebrate that I'm going through the normal motions of parenthood, but I still feel like I am short changing my daughter at times and the anxiety due to this worsens as I worry about how she'll cope when she has to share my already limited time with her sister. How will having another baby to look after, along with a very active toddler impact my marriage? Will further balls crash as I frantically try to juggle and completely lose rhythm while focusing on keeping that family ball airborne?

Will I shirk off inviting friends over because my home resembles a hovel? With my regularly worn clothes going from laundry basket, to the washing machine, to another “clean” washing basket, being worn and tossed back in the laundry hamper, not seeing the inside of the cupboard because I'm too lazy to pack my clothes away? With the boxes that are hidden away in cupboards never getting unpacked or mail that simply accumulates because I find myself expending only enough energy to do some cooking and otherwise vegging on the couch and watching TV? Or will I avoid going out because I feel uncomfortable in ill-fitting clothes post partum and be devoid of motivation to get myself back into normal sized clothes?

What I really want out of life is simple enough. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my time with my family. I want to find fulfilment in my career. I want to help improve lives through my studies. I want to invest in lifelong friendships. But at this point in time, my default mode is stressed. And I know that my own attitude plays a huge role in that. Despite empowering workshops that I have been privileged to attend and acquiring the skills on the path of positivity, I find that I've been too encumbered in my busyness and stress to apply them. Too tired to take time to reflect properly, yet allowing stress to send my thoughts into a constant spin and finding that I just need to “turn off” by occupying myself with mindless activities like watching TV or scrolling through my Facebook feed.Yet another source of shame. I know that I will, somehow, get to do the important things I need to do, but there will be guilt as I feel like I am neglecting other relationships and commitments. And then when seeing my friends, knowing that, being the good people that they are, they will congratulate me on this stupendous achievement as I blush and feel ashamed of my fraud and like I don't deserve the support and high esteem in which they hold me.

Maybe I should focus on the positive, revel in the fact that I mostly seem to pull off a class act, but I'm too genuine of a soul to allow unfounded praise to go unchecked and thus I pour out my feelings. My shortcomings. My unfinished tasks. My utter failures. My fears. And maybe by doing this, it will help to humanise me - to strip away any grandeur - I'm not a shining example to marvel. I'm just a normal, albeit possibly a bit too thinly stretched working mom, wife, student, writer, artist… and while I appreciate your encouragement, I don't want to be falsely admired for things I have not achieved. I don't “do it all”, I'm just trying to do what I can.