Drama Mama Unleashed: if we always used Facebook the same way we do in Mommy Groups

You make posts on your own page like a normal person. Then when the subject pertains to parenting, you become an opinionated, ready-to-fight-over-anything sanctimommy...

In my experience, Mommy Groups seem to bring out some rather extreme characters. To be fair, I suppose the same could be said for other types of Facebook groups. But either way, it almost seems like normal rules of conduct and courtesy cease to apply for many users. When browsing through the discussion threads on a mommy group, the things you read might not seem too odd. Until you start to think about how similar types of posts and comments would look out of the safe haven of the mommy realm and posted out in the open for all to see. 

So here are a few examples of common issues and observations from the mommy group realm, but related to more everyday things. Take from this what you will; whether it is a knowing chuckle (or face palm), the horror that accompanies the realisation of your own poor or outlandish behaviour, the reiteration of how some people should just learn to mind their own business or the frustration in knowing that some people need to learn to accept good advice gracefully and, for non-parents, seeing that this is the way that some people behave and then worry about the future of the human race. 

The spousal bashing

Would you walk into a roomful of people, many of whom are strangers, and announce all the "sins" your partner had committed? Probably not (at least, I hope). Yet some women feel that it is alright to openly bash their partners on mommy groups. Yes, I understand that sometimes you just need to vent and there is nothing wrong with that. But give consideration to whom you should be venting – a trusted friend or your own mother versus a whole lot of people you do not personally know. And while you are busy with your venting, have you stopped to consider the impression of your partner that you are leaving with people? Have you thought about whether or not your partner could see or hear about the things you have had to say? And following that, whether or not your version of events was a fair representation of the situation? If you would not post it on your personal page for all your friends and family to see, why would you share it with a group of  predominantly composed of strangers? 

*Don't bash* 

While I am on the subject of bashing, let's look at how we constantly need to remind others not to "bash" us when we share things about decisions we have made for our kids, especially when these decisions are actually the best thing for them. The above post would probably garner support from most, some may jump on it as an excuse to hit against pharmaceuticals, but in general most women would be sympathetic to this kind of story. I think that if I were to share something like this on my own timeline, most people would wonder why I felt the need to ask others not to attack me. Now let's flip it on its head. What if the person that was prescribed antidepressants was a prepubescent child. *Sound the alarm! This horrible mother is drugging her child!!* And let the bashing begin. It is not to say that every post made with the line "please don't bash me" included is beyond reproach, but often it is used because we are so damn worried about the judgement of other people who actually should not even be considered in the situation. And for those judging people, it often really is none of your business, believe it or not – you can just keep scrolling. 

But sometimes you really do want to bash 

Hopefully you can resist the temptation to let the vitriol fly and rather offer a well-worded constructive reply to this kind of post. Because I see it almost every day. Some poor child is horribly sick and instead of taking the child to the doctor, his mother is instead asking for advice on a mommy group. Seriously? As a sick adult you probably would not need someone else to tell you that you are probably fighting a nasty infection, should see the doctor and stay away from work. You most likely do know this, even if you do not follow what you should be doing (because maybe you have run out of sick leave). If you want to make that sacrifice for yourself, that is your own business. With your child? No. If you genuinely need help, maybe you do not have transport or cannot afford to see a doctor, then rather be plain and say what you need.

The feeding feuds

Yes, breast is best. We all know it. We can recite it in our sleep. But if other moms decide to give formula, it really is not any of your business. If you want to try offer advice or find out more about the situation, there are better ways of doing it than taking a judgemental tone. And even then, ask yourself if you should really be the one to give unsolicited advice? Probably not. 

Ah... store bought or homemade? The feeding feuds continue. If the above post were made, most people would probably not think twice about it. In fact, most of us love to get some Woolies soup. Sometimes we do not have time to cook, so we buy a "heat and eat" (or more likely order fast food to be delivered). But mention that you gave your 8 month old a tub of Purity and watch all hell break loose. And do not forget to justify yourself when the sanctimommies come after you...

Media mania

Do you feel the need to justify how much time you spend watching TV to others? Why do you need to tell others that your child is only allowed "one hour" of screen time per <day, week, month, ever>? Oh yes, because you will be judged otherwise for allowing your child to watch TV. And if watching TV was not bad enough in itself, you need to be careful about what you admit to allowing your children to watch. (Not that I would let my child watch Lucifer... oh heck, here I am pre-defending myself – sorry, it's a tough habit to kick!)

Because we cannot mind our own business where raising children is concerned... whether or not we should be sticking our noses in!

But sometimes you should say something

Let's talk about car safety. Sometimes a mom will share a picture of her child in their car seat during a road trip or after they have just been strapped in, but someone notices something wrong: maybe the child is in the wrong size car seat for her age, maybe the straps are not in the correct position. So a well-meaning person tries to give some sage advice which could ultimately save the child's life should disaster strike. But instead of admitting where she might have been at fault, the mother instead tries to make excuses and when these fall on deaf ears, tells others to mind their own business because it is her child. After some more debate is entered into and the mother is shown to be in need of the correction she was already given, she plays the victim. Sorry, not sorry. If you are doing something irresponsible with your child and a goodhearted enough person tries to help you, do not tell them that it is "none of their business" because if, God forbid, something were to happen as a result of your negligence, you would probably make it other people's business by expecting their sympathy. It does not work that way. No one likes to be criticised, many do not like to be corrected, but sometimes you need to put on the big girl panties, admit that you were wrong and be gracious that someone cared enough to try point you in the right direction. 

And other times you really should just scroll on 

Do not dare to mention that you might be giving your child *shock! Horror!* sugar. Oh. My. Gosh. If you do, be sure to justify that it is a sparingly given treat. But not even that will necessarily save you from being criticised or accused of allowing your child to over-indulge on a regular basis. 

Sometimes advice is "sought"

But the person does not necessarily want the good advice. They want the easy advice. I would think that most reasonable people would be horrified if they were told to take a drug which causes drowsiness and chase it with alcohol because it is very irresponsible "advice". Yet, on mommy groups...

"My baby will not sleep, please help?"

"Have you tried to give them <insert product with high percentage alcohol content not intended for use in sleep induction>"

Please just stop. Right now. Because this kind of behaviour leads to this:

Keep looking for the advice you want even if it is not what is best... And yes, often moms try to sell each other medicines. 

Common sense does not do well in an echo chamber

Someone shares a scary sounding article with dodgy information. It takes one person to share an anecdote which corresponds with the original poster's feelings of horror to affirm that the dodgy information is, without a doubt, 100% true. Any effort to discredit the information is shut down. 

It can be hard to pull your head out of your own butt

To be fair, this kind of post can come from both working moms and stay at home moms alike. I have not personally seen these kinds of responses, but I know that they are out there. We are mothers, some of us can stay home and look after our children and some of us need to work to be able to afford the home our children sleep in. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have and, God forbid, possibly enjoying living out our ambitions. Stop judging. 

But can we also please stop dressing up the attention seeking... 

Let me be very blunt on this one, there is nothing wrong with sharing your child's birthday with your "mommy tribe". Take the picture, share it, write about how it is your little one's birthday and how much you love them. Enjoy the comments which congratulate you for your beautiful child and celebrate your good job as a mother. But please, do not say "help me wish him a happy birthday", especially when your child cannot read and would probably be more interested in trying to stick your phone in his mouth than look at all the lovely birthday wishes that complete strangers have sent him. 

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I will be serious for a moment though. Not all situations can be transformed into a different scenario to offer a different perspective. Not all of them should be. We should take the job of raising our children seriously. And maybe some moms simply do not know when they are being extreme as opposed to a concerned parent. Being a parent is a tough job and even when you are trying your best, you could be doing something wrong and you will probably have other people judging you in some way... for what you are doing wrong and even for what you are doing right. When in doubt, try to take a step back and ask yourself if your attitude to something would be different if the subject matter did not relate to parenting or a young child (and was not something with a particular age appropriateness level). Sometimes that might help you to realise that you do not need to offer any comment or opinion, and at other times could make you feel an even greater need to try give some good advice or support. We are all crazy about our kids. Let us not be crazy with each other because of that.

I hope you have enjoyed this glimpse into what goes on in mommy groups if you have not experienced it for yourself. If you have, I hope you got a chuckle and possibly some food for thought. Let me know in the comments, but please, no bashing.