Snap judgements, social media shaming and trying to (be a fairly decent) parent

Note: this is not a real post... at least, that's what I hope! 

"OMG! Some people just should not be allowed to have children! Just saw this mom walking with her child (who was on a leash!) on the road, the child wasn't steady on her feet, the mother wasn't even paying attention to the kid, was looking at her cell phone! When we tried to drive past them, the child fell down! What if we'd been closer when we passed and she'd been hurt?! SMH. Makes me so mad! 😠😠😠"

Imagine that you read this as a post on Facebook. What would you think of the parent being described? Would you join in the head shaking (and fist raising)? Would you share another incident you had witnessed of a parent falling short of your expectations to the thread? How much judgement and condemnation can one post describing a few witnessed seconds of another person's life garner? If the manner in which I often see social media used, particularly by "perfect beings" is anything to go by, quite a lot.

What if I told you that the post above described a real incident? What if I told you that the irresponsible mom in that incident was me?

Let's back up a little. I've blogged before about social media and how it has contributed to the era of perfect parents. Between the massive responsibilities that come when you decide to reproduce, you also have huge, and often unreasonable, expectations placed upon you by a cyber populace. It's high pressure. And it's bogus.

Now social media expectations often flow into murkier waters - social media shaming. Expectations (reasonable or not) are unmet and so a judgement is passed, the judgement is emotively worded and shared for a populace to view, comment upon and further spread the general discontent expressed by the original poster. And all the while this is happening, the full story remains untold.

So now I'll return to the story of the mom walking in the road with her child on a leash, who was more concerned with her cell phone. My story.

My husband and I had decided to take our daughter to the Baakens Food Truck Friday. It's become quite a big thing in sleepy old PE. Without going into great detail, a large grassy area next to a shallow river, in the shadow of a cliff face gets populated with food trucks and activities on selected Friday nights. Unfortunately parking space is limited, but some parking on a section of the grass beyond the food trucks is available. We got there quite early and were fortunate enough to get a good spot.

After browsing through the various culinary delights available, I noticed the need to change my daughter's nappy. Unfortunately I wasn't too sure of the availability of baby changing facilities, so I told my husband that I would go back to the car to change her while he decided on where we would get some supper. I walked with my daughter back to the car. As I said, these events are popular so there were a lot of people and I have a very busy toddler, with a then newly discovered and strong independent streak, so I opted to put a harness on her to allow her a degree of freedom while still keeping her close to me. I got to the car, changed her nappy and then started the walk back.

Our car was parked on the grassy area which had a dirt road running through it for a distance. Because cars were parked everywhere, the dirt road was the only available space to walk. And because it was a dirt road, the ground was uneven, so my daughter wasn't quite as sure footed as usual. Add to that she was wearing shoes, something she had only recently embraced after becoming accustomed to walking barefoot for several months. She also was experiencing a love/hate relationship with her harness - she would happily walk along, footloose and fancy free, until she realised that she had a "tail", where after she would fuss and grab at the lead attached to my wrist until she was satisfied that she was "in control" (by having the lead) and then would continue to walk along again, unaware that I had managed to retrieve the end of the lead from her and that she was once again attached to me. This cycle would repeat, again and again, rather comically.

We had hit a good stride, we were on the left side of the dirt road, keeping close to the parked cars, El was in the "yay, I'm independent and walking on my own" part of the cycle and while she was thus distracted, I took the chance to quickly double check the time on my phone. I used to have a watch, but the battery died and I didn't get around to replacing it. And then I moved house and now I'm not really sure where that watch is, so my cell phone is essentially my watch. And with a toddler who is in a fairly set routine, you tend to want to be aware of times, especially when it comes to meals. So I looked into my handbag, grabbed my phone out and checked the time.

At that moment, the car that had been slowly moving behind us for a few seconds, while its occupants tried to find parking, moved to go around us. And El tripped and fell. While I glanced at my phone. For a split second.

The car wasn't too close to El, I knew that its occupants would have seen us both walking and the car wasn't moving all too fast. But it was still somewhat unsettling for me because I often find myself imagining horrible "what if" scenarios as a parent. I scooped El up, having checked the time I put my phone away, wound the lead around my arm a few more times and made El hold my hand while we walked the rest of the way back to the event. No harm was done.

But in my mind, I wondered how the situation had looked to the car occupants. Were they parents? Had they experienced the wiley ways of a strong willed toddler? Did they notice that I had been looking at my phone and, if so, did they think I'd had my eyes glued to it for the entire time? Did they think I used a harness because I was too lazy to carry my child or I didn't exercise sufficient discipline for her to walk alongside me nicely?

And so I imagined the post that could have been made on social media based on those few, out of context, seconds of my life. And then I began to wonder about how many other parents go through similar experiences every day and have some judgemental person choose to condemn them for a few, uncontextualised seconds and share this condemnation with others. The social media jury has found you guilty without a trial. Because something happened in a split second. And people will say that a lot can happen in a split second and that people, particularly parents, should be more alert. Yes, that is true, but to those people I ask: are you perfectly alert and ready to take action every second of every day without even a split second's worth of attention paid elsewhere?

The point that I'm trying to make here is that we all make snap judgements sometimes. Sometimes these judgements are spot on, other times they are very far off the mark. But what you choose to do with those judgements makes all the difference. If you keep them to yourself, you can reflect upon them. If, upon reflection, you think that the situation warrants attention you can consider the appropriate steps to take. But if you decide to share your judgement on social media, you could possibly be creating a horrible situation for someone you don't even know based on something you didn't really understand in the first place.

Social media shaming is very real and its damage is too. And with "perfect parents" everywhere, the wolves are eager for prey - to chew up and spit out half truths and embellished incidents to make themselves feel better about their shortfalls. It's nasty. It's unnecessary. I think most of us parents are just trying to do our best. Think about that and think about the information you don't know before you make a shame post or believe one that you read.