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| Not even a whole day old |
The end of my time at home with my little girl arrived, bringing with its approach much reminiscing over the time we had together. It's amazing how after 9 months of anticipation (when the four week gaps between scans at the gynae seemed to last forever!) ended and the fast forward button was rudely jammed down. Suddenly in the space formerly occupied by my darling newborn is a five month old, grabbing at her feet, pulling off her socks, learning to hold her own bottle and sitting up!
I decided quite early on in my pregnancy that I would try to stay at work for as long as I could so that I would be able to enjoy more of my maternity leave with my daughter as opposed to waiting for her arrival. I was fortunate to be able to work up until almost 38 weeks, which left me with a week and a half of "me" time before Eliana was delivered by scheduled C-section at 39 weeks gestation. My company allowed for four months partially salaried maternity leave, to which I added an extra seven days, giving me a full 17 weeks of time with my angel.
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| My toys are attached to me! |
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| All that hair! Early morning playtime with daddy back when she was still being swaddled |
Motherhood has not been easy. I knew that it would be a challenge before I fell pregnant, I knew that life would change forever, but nothing can really prepare you for the enormity of becoming a parent. But that is not to say that it has not been an amazing experience. Those newborn days seemed so hard at the time, but that time passed so quickly and now I find myself wishing for a Groundhog Day phenomenon - to just wake up and find that it is October again so I can relive that time. Despite the challenges, it is remarkable how much you realise that you are capable of coping with and how naturally you are able to adapt to keeping this precious little being alive and, hopefully, thriving.
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| Our little family |
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| Morning smiles for daddy (in her Pavlik harness) |
I am often asked what it's like to be a parent and I often find it difficult to answer. People so often gush about how it is the best thing to ever happen to them or how wonderful it is, but those terms seem foreign to me. It is not to say that it is not awesome, but with the good comes the bad and it would be naive to ignore the difficulties. Aside from the often overwhelming sense of responsibility, I have also had to cope with breastmilk supply problems which led to greater than expected weight loss with slowed weight gain for El, as well as postnatal depression. I recall reading a blog entitled "When love feels heavy" and finding it to be a good description of what I was going through. Having the privilege of bringing new life into the world is wonderful, but being responsible for a precious little life can often feel like it is stretching you beyond your limits. You can be told what it is like, but you do not truly understand until you have actually experienced it. I did not believe that there would be days when I would not have time to take a shower... believe me, they happen and far more often than you would like to believe despite what some sanctimommies might say. The house is likely to be a mess despite your best efforts (even with having my husband at home with me to help!) and having friends or family to bring you food is a Godsend. All the while you are striking a fine balance between wanting to spend time with your newborn, waiting for her to fall asleep so that you can do something else (like answer Nature's call) and then worrying about whether or not she is still breathing when she does sleep!
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| First time (briefly) at the beach. She quite enjoyed it |
I was somewhat disillusioned regarding how I would use my "free time". Being a part-time PhD student, I had hoped that during the 4 months I would find time to work on my research while my angel slept, but I did not know that often the only place she would sleep would be on my chest! Even though she is sleeping better on her own now, not even needing cuddles to fall asleep at night, I find myself pulling her onto me just to enjoy the cuddling while I still can! With how quickly maternity leave months went by, it feels like El will be able to tell me that she does not want cuddles before I can even blink. Needless to say that my plans to do study work fell quite flat! By the time I got around to being somewhat productive, managing to write out part of an academic article, the PND had hit and I found myself needing to avoid the stress associated with with my studies. I never thought that PND would happen to me! I had thought that I was coping well, but suddenly reality started hitting me hard, bringing with it extreme anxiety, tearfulness and worry. I decided that I needed to be kind to myself and accept that I would not be able to do the things that I had envisioned and that that needed to be "OK".
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| So much personality in such a tiny body |
If I had to sum up parenthood in a word it would be "challenging". I like the word challenge because it implies difficulty, but also something which can be overcome which also makes it have the connotation of being rewarding. Aside from the usual adjustments to changes in sleeping patterns, allowing one's self the flexibility to accept the permanent and not-so-permanent life changes, the tearful tummy cramps, the post-pregnancy body image issues and the crappy nappies, I must say that this time has been mostly happy. I can only be grateful to God for blessing me with such a wonderful little person. I know every mother believes that their child is the most beautiful baby ever and this is also true for me. I am in awe of this little life.
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| Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth! |
Without wanting to tempt fate, I must say that Eliana is a relatively easy child; she only experienced minor reflux, she did not suffer with colic, she sleeps well at night (not so much during the day!), managed to get through 9 weeks in a Pavlik harness to correct her hip dysplasia (a result of her sitting "on her throne" in breech position for at least 11 weeks of my pregnancy) and even when she was sick with some viral gastro she was a smiley, happy baby. She has surprised me so much by being happy and peaceful at times when one can appreciate that a baby might not be too cooperative, like when being put to sleep in places other than her own cot when Nik and I have taken her out at night (such as another baby's cot, her pram, a family member's bed) or being stuck in her carseat on the long road to and back from Cape Town in January. Friends and family
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| One of the last days in the Pavlik harness |
that have encountered her often remark about her being a happy and friendly child, although lately she has taken issue with both of her grandfathers - insisting on crying when they have wanted to cuddle her. I suppose there is always the exception which proves the rule because I cannot deny that she seems (for the most part) to be a lot more content than other babies I've encountered. She really is a little champ and she has taught me so much about life.
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| Meeting our closest (in age) cousin, Ethan, while on holiday in Cape Town |
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| The first swim! |
I had heard that you experience a different kind of love when you have children. Knowing how much love I already felt for El before she arrived I could easily believe it. Although I must admit that I felt disconnected from her when she was first born - it felt surreal and I was ashamed that I did not get that immediate overwhelming love for her from the first moment I saw her. After the effects of anaesthetic, pain medication, revolving door visitors, post-surgical pain and the experience of being in hospital for three days wore off, I allowed myself to enjoy the simple pleasure of having my daughter, to enjoy her cuddles and get to know her. The first few days were overwhelming, I think particularly when you are a first time parent – you worry about everything! There's a myriad of advice, lots of anxiety, lots of emotion and sleep deprivation to cope with in addition to newborn cries which you still need to learn to interpret - is she hungry, is she having cramps, is it a dirty nappy or does she just want to be held? The days (and nights) that felt so long at the time soon became manageable and now seem so long ago. I read somewhere that the days are long, but the years are short and at this point I can well believe it.
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| The first time I managed to snap a picture with her eyes open (our hospital discharge day) |
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| First Christmas |
As the days turned into weeks and months, those imperceptible changes became apparent. The way she could suddenly hold her head up unsupported, how she could grasp a rattle and shake it, the transition from a reflex smile to a genuine gummy grin…
When I look back at photos of her on my phone I am astounded by how much she has changed. As my husband works from home, he has been full-time dad since I went back to work and when he told me that he wanted to start El on solids I felt immense anxiety.
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| First day of solids |
I think the combination of missing her, worrying about missing out on her important milestones and the fact that she is growing up so quickly just stressed me out. There's a song that I like (which happened to be the first song that Nik and I heard after we found out I was pregnant) "Pelican" by The Maccabbees which resonates with me so much more now. The lyrics are:
"So soon we're too old to carry
We knew we only had a little while
in the middle keep ticking over
Before you know it, parent a parent"
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| The Hangry face (Day 2 of Solids!) |
The time just flies by. I feel like if I blink she will be crawling. In another blink she will be starting school and then she will be having children of her own!
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| Sleeping in daddy's arms, just a few weeks old |
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| All kinds of cute |
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| The smile I got before I left for my first day back at work |
I have found that I am jealous of my time with my daughter. I do not want to wake up early to go to gym because I want to cuddle with her. I loathe having to go past the shops on the way home because I want to go straight home to her. Before my maternity leave ended, I had resumed my belly dancing classes, but upon return to work, I suddenly felt that I could no longer justify spending that time away from her - it would mean leaving home for work in the morning and returning only after she has been put to bed! While I know that I must not lose my identity and that I will eventually want to have that time to myself again, at this stage I feel that El is only going to be small for a short while and I should not take this time for granted. Most other parents and grandparents that I encounter comment that I must "enjoy every moment with her" and that is what I intend to do. It is not easy being a working mom. I now understand why so many women choose to resign from their jobs after they have had children - it is natural to want to stay with your child, to watch her grow and nurture her needs. The fact that I also work a lot over weekends does not help my instinctual need to be with my daughter, but I am ever hopeful that the financial obligations that require me to work all of this time will be lightened. You often only appreciate things when they are coming to an end or when you have already lost something and I do not want to look back on her life and regret not enjoying the cuddles, the laughs, the smiles, the squirms, wriggles, the raspberries and spectacular developmental leaps. It is not possible to describe the pride and happiness I feel when I see my daughter grasp a concept quickly like when I gave her a teething biscuit for the first time and she put it straight into her mouth (although to be fair most babies tend to put things straight into their mouths!) or the way she launched her head forward, mouth wide open in anticipation of her lunch
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| First full day out of the harness and so happy |
drawing closer to her on her spoon. It is pure joy to watch the smile spread across her face when I sing songs to her - "Incy wincy spider" is a favourite! To see the wonder in her eyes as she stares at simple movements of her hands and fingers. Her laughter is a balm after a long and weary day. Her gurgles and coos are a beautiful melody. Her cuddles are better than a spa treatment. Eliana has me captivated by her simplest gestures, she amazes me. She greets the day with a smile and playful nature and goes to sleep at night with a look of blissful content. I know that things will probably change as she grows, but I can only pray that she maintains her cheery disposition. Her name means "My God has answered me" and even in the lowest points of my PND, I can still feel incredibly blessed for the gift that is my daughter. I will probably need to remind myself of this when (in the blink of an eye) she is a teenager, but for now my intention to cherish each moment.
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| My beautiful daughter - a precious gift from God |
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