What to avoid saying to a woman in her first trimester

Although many women (and couples) tend to wait until the first trimester has ended before announcing news of their impending arrival, there are also those (like me) who choose to let others know a little bit sooner. To have joy, one should share it and even though the stats show that the first trimester is the riskiest in terms of pregnancy loss, the excitement and elation of finding out that you're expecting can be too overwhelming to keep to yourself. Or too overwhelming for even your family members to keep the news under wraps! But although letting others know might bring about renewed exuberance and happiness, it can also leave you with a slightly sickened feeling in the pit of your stomach – "what if something happens?". It's the risk you take...

When you let other people know about your budding baby, it's natural for them to ask questions or pass comment (assuming that they are, in fact, interested in your condition). Unfortunately sometimes these questions or comments can be a bit off the mark and, I must admit, I have also been guilty of asking them in the past. But with my own little bundle, I have learnt about the experiences of a newly expectant mom and I am now passing on some of that wisdom.

1. Don't ask about the experience of morning sickness
Rather ask: "How are  you feeling/how have you been feeling?". Every pregnancy is different for every person, even if you've had children before! My mother-in-law told me about how she experienced different symptoms during different pregnancies. And it's very important to remember the following things about morning sickness.

• Not every woman experiences morning sickness
• Morning sickness can strike at any time of the day
• The cause of morning sickness is not definitively known – hormones are commonly implicated, but this may manifest as an over sensitivity to odours (and/or heightened sense of smell), excess mucous production also occurs and sometimes there are triggers such as an aversion to a particular food or the simple act of brushing one's teeth (in my case, overactive gag reflex and horrendous post nasal drip!)
• Morning sickness is often lauded as a symptom of a healthy pregnancy

Now with those factors in mind, particularly the last one, a woman in her first trimester is likely experiencing equal or mixed parts of excitement and anxiety as well as sheer terror at the possibility that she might miscarry. When a huge body of evidence points towards morning sickness being a good sign of a healthy pregnancy, a woman who is not experiencing it may already be feeling sensitive about the lack of nausea and vomiting. To have someone then specifically ask about morning sickness only compounds the fear that something might be wrong. Aside from that, there are so many other things that she might be experiencing: fatigue, tender (possibly also swollen) breasts, headaches, backache and dizzy spells to name a few. Ask an open question if you're really interested and allow the expectant mom to share what she's comfortable to tell you. 

2. Don't ask if the gender is known
As a person with a medical background, this one is a rather obvious one to me to not ask in the early stages, but sadly even the best of us sometimes flounder in our eagerness to find out more about the pregnancy (or to be polite and feign interest). While the sexual organs are developing at 9 weeks, determining the gender is generally only done between 18 and 20 weeks as before this time it can be difficult to distinguish different genitalia. And even then it depends on how the little one is positioned!

3. Don't imply that your experiences will determine hers
If you're speaking to a newly pregnant mom and she relates an experience to you, don't tell her that you had the same thing and what the outcome of said experience was unless she asks you. So if she says something like "I've really been craving peanuts", don't tell her that you had the same craving, but your child ended up being allergic to them and, according to your logic, she should therefore avoid them. By all means, let her know when you've shared the experience because it can be encouraging, but for it's possible for different women to have widely varied outcomes from the same experience. This one comes up a lot in pregnancy forums, when a nervous, often first-time mom is scared about something she may or may not be feeling and, probably to avoid being an annoying over-anxious patient to her doctor, decides to ask the question to other moms and expectant moms. "I've been feeling a lot better for the last few days after such horrendous morning sickness, is this normal at 7 weeks?" to which some women might respond that they had also felt better or that they only experienced that at 10 weeks or whatever, but there always seems to be at least one person with a bad experience who will respond with "That happened to me, I was feeling wretched from the time I found out I was pregnant until I was seven weeks and three days and then I suddenly felt so much better, but I found out when I went for my scan the following week that I'd miscarried". Refer back to example 1: fear of miscarriage is probably already rampant and does not need to be exacerbated! Aside from these types of responses, pregnancy can be a rather surreal experience at the start (I know it is for me) and often one wants to experience it for herself, without any other person's input on what to expect based on shared experiences – it's a special time, you know that it's an age old process, but you want your experience of pregnancy to be significant to you and not feel almost cheapened by someone telling you that it's not remarkable. 

4. Don't ask if names have been decided upon and what they are or suggest names (this isn't limited to only the 1st trimester)
Once again, curiosity is natural, but it's probably better to phrase your question carefully. As in, ask something like "have you thought about names?". This leaves some wiggle room available to the expectant mom (and dad) to choose how to answer the question. The answer could be as simple as "yes, we have" or "no, not yet", as explanatory as "yes, we like [blank-he] for a boy or [blank-she] for a girl" or open, yet closed off as "yes, but we're not telling anyone yet". If the explanatory response is given do not, I repeat: DO NOT pass any comment on the mentioned names unless the comment is positive! Choosing a name is an extremely personal decision and carries long term implications for that person's child. If you don't like the name, keep it to yourself, it's not your baby! The latter part is not to suggest names (unless you are asked) because it can make a person feel as though you are overstepping your mark. Even if you're a close family member, don't imply that a child should be named after whichever relative you feel is pertinent because choosing family names can be a very political matter in itself and one that an expectant parent might prefer to avoid. Aside from that, while you might feel that your grandfather should be honoured because of the role he played in securing the family legacy, the parent might prefer to honour her uncle because he played an important role directly in her life. 

5. Do not ask "what if something happens?"
I think I've already covered this in the introduction, points one and three. Just don't.