Lessons from feminism: what I, as a mother, do and do not want to teach my daughter

In this piece I will be dissecting and discussing feminist and social justice issues in a manner which is logical and, while not necessarily politically correct, hopefully written with enough tact to avoid causing offense. Because triggers.

I consider myself to be a strong, intelligent and well adjusted woman. Despite being born in Apartheid-era South Africa in 1986, with the associated privileges of being of European descent, I was raised by forward thinking parents who taught me to treat all people equally. And I must state that, although I describe my ethnicity as being privileged, I come from a middle class family and we were not wealthy. However, as previously stated, today I am not writing about racial injustices, I am writing about my views on feminism. And these are mixed to say the least. I believe in equality and I am grateful to the pioneering feminists of previous generations who paved the way for me to live the life that I am living. What I do not buy into is (radical) third wave feminism and social justice concepts, safe spaces and trigger warnings that seem to be prevalent at this point in time.

In fact, I share the same view on feminism as Maisie Williams: "...But I also feel like we should stop calling feminists “feminists” and just start calling people who aren’t feminist “sexist” – and then everyone else is just a human. You are either a normal person or a sexist. People get a label when they’re bad. Because it works the other way, as well. A lot of men have it hard too."

And this is how I explain my views. To third wave feminists, I am likely to be labeled as suffering from "internalised misogyny", but as I do not subscribe to their (extreme) views I do not care about what they have to say. That being said, I do need to consider the way that I will be raising my daughter and what I should instil in her as a future woman. I cannot ignore that patriarchal attitudes persist in many spheres of society and that these can be harmful and damaging to women, but I also need to teach my daughter the differences between inappropriate behaviour and unacceptable behaviour, that she may be justified to feel offended by certain things but being offended does not necessarily mean that the person responsible for offending her is wrong in their actions or perceptions, that gender oppression affects both women and men and that certain oppressive behaviours can only control you if you allow them to whereas others are all-consuming and constitute gross violations of human rights and dignity.

As I write this, I know that it will be a challenge to adequately describe the various topics that I feel are important to discuss because my views cannot be simply categorised. That being said, many of these topics are inter-related and, thus, it is likely that there will be a degree of repetition, (however I will try to avoid this if possible). Whatever your views and beliefs may be, I ask you to read this piece with a rational and objective mind set and to remember that context is paramount to comprehension.

Gender roles

Although these may be subject to different social constructs depending on a person’s cultural and ethnic background, I think a persisting and universal example of gender role assignment is that of women as homemakers and childrearers while men are considered (or expected) to be providers and protectors. People who challenge this status quo are often considered to be abnormal – career women may be regarded as cold and uncaring whereas men assuming the role of a primary caregiver may be considered weak. Some may go so far as to describe a career woman as unfeminine and a stay-at-home dad as unmasculine. Such attitudes imply that traditional gender roles are fundamental to gender identity and, especially in modern society, this is completely sexist.

Sadly one only needs to look as far as the contents of toy aisles in supermarkets to see how these fundamental gender roles are pushed onto children. Dolls, tea sets, beauty kits, kitchen appliance replicas and the like for girls. Superheroes, guns, swords, handyman tool replicas and the like for boys. The implication that women should bear children, cook, bake, be pretty and maintain a home environment, while men should be strong, able to fight, able to protect and must know how to fix or build things. Although this mindset is slowly changing, with girls being encouraged to extend their play beyond traditionally feminine interests, it is unfortunately still quite biased for boys – interest in “feminine activities” is “unmanly” and may be associated with homosexual tendencies even when none exist because a “real man” would not show any such inclination. This result of macho stereotyping creates unfair expectations for men whether hetero- or homosexual.

The concept of chivalry can also be quite contentious. Although its origins lie in knightly codes of conduct, in the 21st century it is more commonly associated with courteous and polite behaviour, particularly towards women. While chivalrous traits may be desirable, they may also be associated with male bravado and deemed sexist towards woman. A double edged blade.

What I do want to teach my daughter

I want to encourage my daughter to not limit herself to fundamental gender roles. She is already being raised in a home where the traditional gender roles are reversed: I am the breadwinner and my husband is the primary caregiver (as he works from home). Even though she still has little to no concept of gender roles, my husband and I have already ensured that she is exposed to things usually exclusively associated with boys such as superhero toys, superhero themed clothes and light sabers as well as traditionally girly things like dresses, dolls and pretty head bands.

I want her to know that there is nothing wrong with embracing the traditional womanly roles of motherhood and homemaking, but should she choose to be a career woman, she can do so too. If she is fortunate, she may even be able to adopt both roles successfully. I want her to know that she has a choice in her future and that her father and I will do what we can to guide and support her in her decisions.

I want her to know that men behaving courteously towards her purely because she is a woman is not a given. I will discuss this point further when I look at gender equality, but I think it is important that she understands that chivalrous behaviour should not be expected. Expecting normal courtesies which are independent of gender – plain, old fashioned, common human decency and respect – is perfectly acceptable, but there is a difference between this and chivalry and, as such, chivalrous behaviour should not be taken for granted and should be politely appreciated. However, when chivalry does border on bravado, I want her to know how to tell a man, politely, that she is capable of looking after herself. 

What I do not want to teach my daughter

I do not want my daughter to fall into a trap of "over correcting" – for her to feel that she has to prove herself to be as capable as a man to an extent that she puts off milestones such as marriage or having children for this purpose. I am not implying that feminism encourages women to reject traditional gender roles, but I have seen many women adopting something of a persecution complex under the guise of feminism because they have convinced themselves that being a women counts against them (the influence of the frequently touted patriarchy) and as such they attempt to detach themselves from marital and maternal desires to prove that they are immune to feminine pursuits which some may perceive as fickle. I am also not implying that getting married or having children should be a priority for my daughter if these are not things that she wants for her life.  

I do not want her to assume that just because a man behaves chivalrously to her, that he is assuming a macho role. All too often I see women finding chivalrous acts offensive and, if failing to respond to the man in a rude manner, moaning about the chivalry after the fact as though suffering from a gross insult. This kind of behaviour is inappropriate and irrational. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also do not want to assume that chivalry is something which is due to her and take it as disrespectful when she does not receive it. 

Gender equality

Of pivotal importance to the feminist movement as a whole – for women to be treated equally to men. To have the freedom to choose their own paths and not be discriminated against based on their gender. To be able to vote, to own property, study without prejudice, to be paid the same wage for the same work, to be able to stand up and declare that women are not the property of men. To me this is the basis of feminism in a nutshell and I wholeheartedly agree with it.

Sadly the patriarchal heritages of many cultures still persist despite the great strides made by women’s rights movements. The influence of patriarchy, however, varies greatly depending on where you live in this world. In most developed countries, women can generally enjoy the liberties won for them by the feminists of the past. That’s not to say that the situation is perfect or that chauvinists (and misogynists) no longer exist. When patriarchy has been the norm in most cultures for several centuries, one cannot assume that it can be abolished by a movement which only started stirring in the eighteenth century before gaining much needed momentum during twentieth. The wheel has been turning, but it has some distance to cover yet. Unfortunately this is where I find myself at odds with third wave feminists (or gender feminists) because I find many of their ideologies to be over zealous and, quite frankly, irrational in their attempts to bring about immediate redress to issues which, even if representative of patriarchal entitlement, are minor in the grand scheme of things. While I will discuss such issues (like street harassment) separately, I feel the need to say that you cannot liken the “oppression” of being whistled at in the street to women who are stoned to death for “adultery” after being victims of rape. It is just my opinion, but I feel that we can only move onto addressing minor affronts (which not everyone interprets in the same manner) after abolishing the ones which are downright disgusting.

Possibly an exaggeration, but still quite apt when considering the First World Feminist Struggle Source

I acknowledge that there is much and more that can be said on this specific subject, but I’m going to leave this discussion here and go onto the lessons I want to impart to my daughter. 

What I do want to teach my daughter

I want my daughter to know what patriarchal entitlement is, how to recognise it and know how to respond to it. What is important with this topic is to teach her how to interpret people’s words and gestures appropriately and for her to be aware that if she is seeking something out then she probably will find it so she should keep an open mind in her daily interactions. I want her to know that if (or more likely when) she encounters chauvinists or misogynists that she does not need to reduce herself to their level by returning their sexism or rudeness because one cannot behave in a belittling manner if one believes in equality.

I want her to know that she should treat everyone she meets (and this goes beyond gender – culture, sexuality, race, et cetera) with common courtesy and respect. Although respect is something which is earned, I believe that if one expects it then one must first be willing to give it. I want her to know that a person’s character is far more important than their gender, appearance, social standing or qualification.

I want her to know that she is just as capable to do almost anything that a man can do if she sets her mind to it. I would like to say that she can do everything that a man can do, but realistically there are some differences between men and women and there is no shame in accepting one’s limitations or admiring the capabilities of someone else. In fact, I encourage being able to recognise one's limits and accept them because it shows maturity. However, just because she might not be capable of doing everything that a man can (and by the same token a man will not be able to do everything she can), that does not mean that she should not be treated with the same amount of respect. 

I want her to know that there are structures in place to try "correct" gender imbalances in the workforce and that she might be afforded better work opportunities than the men amongst her peers. However I want her to strive to be the best candidate that she can be and not rely on her gender to secure herself employment. 

What I do not want to teach my daughter

I do not want my daughter to blame every inequality that exists between the sexes on patriarchy. There is a lot more that I could say about this, but I think that sentence sums this subject up very well. 

I also do not want her to believe in the popularly touted “pay gap” myth. This is a highly contentious subject, with feminists stating that a woman earns 77 cents for every dollar that a man does. This statistic has also been quoted by politicians such as Barrack Obama and Hilary Clinton. As per studies conducted by economists, the 23% gender pay gap does exist, but only when comparing “raw aggregate, unadjusted full time median salaries” meaning that nothing that would help to explain the differences has been controlled for. Thus a statistic which is based on uncontrolled, pooled data is touted as being true for men and women performing the same work under the same conditions for the same number of hours when in fact there are other factors affecting the averages such as differences in the number of hours worked and the type of work performed. Properly conducted studies which control for such variables show that gender discrimination may only account for a very small fraction of gender pay differences and may not be statistically significant at all.

Body image (and beauty perceptions)

In this age of digital manipulation and unrealistic beauty standards, I cannot state how important it is to encourage children to have a healthy outlook on their bodies. And to be able to recognise what is not healthy. To describe this as being a touchy subject is an understatement. 

On the one side, we have the glorification and idealization of "thinness". Where women are lauded for being fashion icons simply because they are thin (and famous) as proven by this experiment. On the other side we have the "body positivity" movement which, in itself is not a bad thing, but when people use it to justify being overweight I feel that there needs to be a line drawn. When "All about that bass" by Meghan Trainor came out, I loved it. I even did a belly dance choreography to it. Because I believe that it's important to love and accept yourself, whether you're fat or thin because, as succinctly put by author JK Rowling, is fat really the worst thing you can be? What I disagree with is the mocking of other body types to make one's self feel better about their own and the message that "being overweight is OK and does not affect your health" (yes, you read that right) that some body positivity activists try to put forward.

With respect to the image above, I agree with the sentiment (fat does not mean ugly, lazy, worthless, et cetera). Some people do carry around some extra fat and they are still healthy. As one of the links I have already shared states, if your healthcare professional has stated that you are healthy, that is what is important. However, the message that being overweight does not create health problems and that the world is prejudiced against obesity to the extent that proportions and designs of chairs should be adjusted and standardised to accommodate obese people is not body positivity, it is a perversion of the message of body positivity to normalise an unhealthy lifestyle which can lead to development of heart disease and diabetes. Yes, some people are genetically predisposed to be overweight, some people have hormone imbalances and the net result is carrying around extra weight. The extra weight might be minimal or extensive, you can either choose to hate your body or to enjoy “the greatest instrument you’ll ever own” as the Sunscreen song describes it, but the important thing is to try live a healthy lifestyle. There are some people who genuinely struggle to lose weight, there are some that lose great amounts of weight only to regain it, there are others that struggle to gain weight and then there are those that lose weight and maintain their weight loss, so there is no question that a great number of variables determine your body shape and type other than lifestyle choices, but that does not mean that you should choose an unhealthy lifestyle and the various ill effects it has just because you will not ever fit into a size 8 and then try to justify that choice to others and accuse them of “shaming” you when they try to encourage you to choose healthier foods or to exercise. 

While thinness is currently being glorified, one only needs to look though history to see how “the ideal form” constantly changes and not just over eras, but even decades or to look at cultural perceptions of beauty in different parts of the world to realise that beauty means different things for different people. It is important to encourage diversity. What might be acceptable in one culture, such as exposure of midriffs independent of body shape, might not be readily acceptable in another. This is yet another topic that causes some consternation – the idea that one’s clothing choices should be determined by one’s body type. My view on this is definitely politically incorrect. I feel that if something does not look flattering, you should avoid wearing it. If that means that an overweight person should not wear revealing clothing or a thin person should avoid clothes which are made to accentuate a curvier figure then so be it. It’s not about shaming the body type of the wearer or insinuating that the wearer should be conscious of what their preferred partner finds attractive, but more a philosophical view that if you feel confident and attractive in your attire you will be more confident and attractive in general. That being said, it is possible for someone to be confident in their attire, without realising that it is not necessarily the best way for them to present themselves – sometimes it is a simple case of being honest about what does and does not “work”. This is again subject to cultural norms which may be patriarchal in origin, but that does not invalidate the perspective. And, yet again, this will probably be labelled as “internalised misogyny” because this view supports “oppressing” someone in their choice of attire, however to be perfectly blunt, there is a difference between being honest and actively attempting to oppress others. It is akin to telling someone that they forgot to do up the zipper on their pants, the manner in which you do it determines your intentions: politely bringing it to the person’s attention so that he/she can discreetly resolve the problem and save him/herself the embarrassment of others seeing it versus adopting a mocking tone or making a spectacle of the person.

I do not deny that there are people who actively “body shame” others or pass nasty comments with the intention of humiliating others, but I must emphasise this point by repeating it: there is a difference between honesty and malice. If someone can only interpret comments negatively then the problem is with that person and his/her own persecution complex and not misogyny (internalised or not) on the part of the comment maker.

What I do want to teach my daughter

There was a powerful picture that I saw on Facebook, together with a message regarding “How to talk to your daughter about her body”.

A powerful image and an important message

When I read this, it was like being punched in the gut – I realised how I needed to change my attitude towards my own body if I am to encourage my daughter to be happy and confident in hers. From being an overweight child to a normal weight teenager and adult, I still have issues about my body. I recall the hurt I felt when even people that I considered to be my friends mocked me for my excess fat. I recall still feeling “fat” and unattractive even as a young adult with a body mass index of 18 kg/m². And after being pregnant, it was also a struggle to come to terms with the excess weight that took some time to shed, particularly when I went back to work and decided to forego time at the gym for time with my daughter. I still look at the extra centimetres that have not left my waistline, the cellulite on my thighs and butt and the general “wobbliness” of my body despite being able to fit into most of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe and wonder if I have let myself go. But then I remind myself that, starting from when she is too young to understand, I need to put on a brave face, push back the shame that I might occasionally feel, and show my daughter that the appearance of my body is not as important as what I am able to do with my body! If I can give her that impression from a young age then half my job of encouraging my daughter to have a good self-esteem is done.

I want to teach my daughter to respect her body and respect herself in the manner that she chooses to dress. This is a rather difficult concept to explain without sounding naïve or prudish because I know that it is likely that she will probably want to wear short skirts or shorts and cut-off tops at some point (depending on the changing fashions as the years progress) and there is nothing wrong with that. However I would hope that I am able to instil values that will aid her in her choices so that she will know how to dress appropriately for different situations and will be able to establish the difference between showing skin and deliberately dressing to be provocative. I use the word “provocative” carefully, because I do not wish to infer that the way a woman dresses determines her susceptibility to being sexually harassed or raped (I will discuss those topics later), but rather that she is consciously aware of when her appearance may be interpreted as being attention-seeking and that attention can be both negative and positive in sexual and non-sexual ways.

I want her to know that there is nothing wrong with her wanting to use make up or other products when she is of an appropriate age. However, I also want her to have confidence in her natural beauty and to not feel insecure if she does not have make up on because of the unrealistic standards of beauty set by the media.

What I do not want to teach my daughter

Although I have probably already made my views on this clear from the discussion of this topic, I do not want my daughter to confuse a healthy body image with justification of an unhealthy lifestyle. I do not want her to assume that she is being “shamed” if someone tells her that her clothing does not suit her body type or enquires regarding her lifestyle choices. I want her to appreciate that some people genuinely want to help her if they think that she needs guidance and to not assume that they are judging her or trying to make her fit into a pretty box of their idealisms.

If she were to present herself in a manner resulting in negative comments being made, I do not want her to automatically assume that those making the negative comments are misogynists who feel entitled to comment freely about her appearance. People can be mean and just because nastiness is directed at a woman does not imply that it is rooted in gender oppressive motives.   

Menstruation

There is presently a great push towards normalising the menstrual cycle as opposed to treating it as something shameful and embarrassing. An example of this shift in thinking is innovative advertisements such as this gem. Or this one which is thought provoking and inspiring... and also shows a bit of blood (but do not be put off, it is worth the watch!). While a woman’s “lady’s days” may have previously been something not to be discussed or even acknowledged (I recall my mom talking about the way sanitary towels used to be wrapped in brown paper to conceal the contents!), the current paradigm seeks to remove the stigmatisation of the past and encourage the perception that menstruation is a natural part of being a woman.

A London woman made headlines in 2015 when she chose to run the London Marathon without any sanitary products and let her blood flow freely. Kiran Gandhi stated that she wanted to create awareness regarding the lack of products available to women in rural areas and the unsuitability of tampons for women of certain cultures. She described how feminine products were financially inaccessible for some, resulting in girls missing school due to not being able to conceal their monthly bleeding, resulting in a cycle of poor outcomes. Kiran said that she was not advocating free bleeding, but chose to complete the marathon that she had trained for in the most comfortable way for her. She also wants women to stop being ashamed of their periods and hiding their menstrual cramps as “stomach aches”.

Sadly, like the body positivity movement, there are those that have perverted this shift in thinking and coined the term “period shaming” to describe any negative attitudes towards menstruation. Even to alert a woman to the fact that she has started menstruating can be interpreted as a “shaming” tactic as opposed to simply wanting to make someone aware that she is bleeding. Yes, if I see that you are leaking, I am going to tell you in a hushed voice because I do not want to alert everyone around to the fact that I can see your menstrual blood – for many women such a thing is exceptionally embarrassing, much like breast leakage when lactating, that does not imply shame it is courtesy. The controversy regarding the removal of this picture from Instagram is more on target as far as interpretation of actions as amounting to “period shaming”. However I do feel conflicted on this matter. While the image did not violate the terms of usage and therefore should not have been removed, and although menstruation is a natural thing, why do pictures of menstrual blood need to be shared? The last time I checked, urinating and defecating were also natural bodily functions, but I have not seen #mypoo trending (or maybe I am behind the times).

And to be blunter than a spoon, let us not kid ourselves – menstruation is not glamorous! It is often painful, inconvenient and can turn even the sweetest of women into moody bitches. There is no denying that it serves a wonderful purpose and, in most cases, is synonymous with being a woman, but that does not necessarily make it a pleasant experience (although it is a fantastic excuse to indulge in chocolate). I do not feel the need to share with others when I am having my period, not because I am ashamed of it, but because I do not think it is appropriate for general conversation.

There are calls by some that women’s hygiene products should be free of charge, stating the unfairness that a man can use toilet facilities and have all of his needs attended to, however women do not have the luxury of having tampons or sanitary towels at their (free) disposal should they be needed. I cannot say that I have a fast opinion on this because I feel that if these products were free, it is unlikely that the quality would be too great. I do however believe that campaigns to have Value Added Tax removed from such products is a more sensible route to take since these are essential items for women. 

What I do want to teach my daughter

God willing, my daughter will reach puberty and all the awkwardness and embarrassment that normally accompanies it. I want her to be aware that menstruation is a natural process and it is not shameful, however that does not mean that it should be discussed over the dinner table. This is not about being oppressive, it is about courtesy to not freely discuss certain topics when they are not appropriate.

What I do not want to teach my daughter

I do not want my daughter to become a “free the period” warrior. I want her to understand that while some women might feel “empowered” by such activities, letting your bodily fluids, whether they are menstrual, excreted waste or excessive mucous freely flow without consideration for others is unhygienic.

Rape culture 

This is one of two topics of discussion upon which I have extremely conflicting views due the varying degrees to which different people are affected by them and the fact that I cannot agree with every aspect encompassed by the term (the second one being street harassment). The recent story of Brock Turner and his “consensual” relations with an unconscious woman is a perfect example of rape culture mentality, especially after his father stated that his son was paying for “20 minutes of action” in reaction to Brock’s pittance of a jail sentence. The case sparked great outrage when a greater emphasis was placed on the fact that Brock was a promising swimmer than on the trauma he had inflicted on his victim, as though his athletic prowess excused his behaviour. The minimising of a rapist’s crimes and the blaming of victims for their rapes is the core of this mentality.

There is, however, another side to this. The side where women are irrationally hostile, fearful or aggressive towards men and justify this behaviour under the banner of rape culture. Such behaviour towards someone on the basis of their culture, race or religion is normally deemed bigoted, yet doing it to an entire gender is acceptable? In fact, it is encouraged by sentiments such this: 

The quoted rape statistic is blood chilling. To think that one in six women will be the victim of rape! In fact, more commonly quoted is the "one in five" statistic. This statistic is, however, much like the “pay gap” one, misrepresented. Firstly, this statistic is not a general one, it refers to incidents of sexual assault on American college campuses. Secondly, it was generated from a 2007 Campus Sexual Assault Study. This was a web-based survey which was circulated to a random sample of 5 446 undergraduate female students at two major public universities. The results indicated that 19% of the respondents had experienced completed or attempted sexual assault since entering college. However, the response rate for the surveys was less than 50% for both institutions (42.2% and 42.8%). Self-proclaimed factual feminist Christina Hoff Sommers stated that because less than half of the potential participants responded to the survey it already presented with a selection bias ("The people who feel the most strongly about the survey, for whatever reason, are the most likely to respond" Sommers was quoted as saying). Aside from that, even the authors of this study have stated that the "one in five" statistic cannot be nationally representative. 


Another factor to be considered when determining the accuracy of this statistic is the legal definition of sexual assault. In many states of America, being intoxicated with alcohol and/or drugs, whether by one's own volition or by the actions of a perpetrator, implies that consent cannot be given. This might cause one to wonder then how many men may have cases against women for sexual assault or rape while they were under the influence... the answer? Unless they were "penetrated" it cannot be classified as sexual assault or rape. That seems a bit unbalanced, does it not? But I digress, back to the statistic. This definition of rape meant that this survey classified all sexual encounters which occurred while the woman was intoxicated as a form of sexual assault. While instances such as the Brock Turner case where the victim was unconscious is a clear cut example of inability to consent, this broad definition could result in women classifying (or confusing) "regretful sexual decisions made while under the influence of alcohol or drugs as actual rape" (Sabrina Schaeffer, executive director of Independent Women’s Forum). 

Now some people might be thinking: "This author is so naive, doesn't she know about the other studies proving the rape culture narrative and the 'one in five' statistic?". Like this one from 1987? Public health professor, Mary Koss of the University of Arizona developed a different way of measuring rape prevalence when it was identified that directly asking women if they had been raped did not produce the statistics they had expected (which would support the rape culture theory). The researcher instead chose an ambiguous approach and asked the female students if they had experienced certain actions which she then classified as rape. This method produced the "one in four" statistic which, like the "one in five" statistic, persists to this day. It is curious to note that while she classified some of these "actions" as rape, as many as 73% of the women that she accordingly classified as rape victims said that they had not been raped. Even more curious is that 42% of these "victims" had repeated sexual relations with their "attackers". The list of subsequent studies with disparity between the researchers' conclusions and the subjects' views continued.

According to this narrative, rape (on American college campuses) has a higher victimization rate than crime statistics from the most violent and crime-ridden cities in the world. However, according to a report by the Bureau of Justice Statistics ("Violent Victimizations of College Students, 1995-2002") which was more specific, however expansive regarding the definition of assault (it was not limited to forced interactions and included violations such as groping as well as verbal threats) the actual figure is probably closer to one in forty (being 2.5% versus 20%). Is this still too high? Definitely. However it does show the exaggeration of this "crisis" which the rape culture narrative pushes. The narrative which dictates that any sexual encounters which occur when a woman has been drinking amount to rape. To be frank, if I had suffered a violent assault and were to go to a support group and hear young girls crying about the fact that they were "also raped" when they had actually just got drunk, made a bad decision and then cried rape upon sobering up, I would be pretty pissed off because it would undermine the traumatic experience of an actual rape. I do not deny that there can be very real trauma from being intimate with someone and regretting it later, but that does not justify it being branded as a rape. However, I agree that I cannot apply this "black and white" view of things when it comes to debating whether sexual encounters can be considered rape if one party knowingly took advantage of the other's inebriated state and the associated lowered inhibitions.

This stance was explored in a magazine produced by Harvard's Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response: Saturday Night: Untold Stories of Sexual Assault at Harvard. The first-person account describes how the victim could not remember much about the experience. She recalled having drinks with friends and then planning on going to a house party. She was told that within minutes of joining the party, she had started making out with one of the seniors that lived in the house. She could not recall if she had initiated relations with him, she could not remember arriving at the party. She could vaguely remember waking up during the early morning in this man's room and him walking her back to her own, stating that she had still been too drunk to go back on her own. She acknowledged that she had made herself vulnerable and it was hard for her to accept that she had been taken advantage of in that state, but felt that of the two people involved in the coupling, she was the only one left profoundly traumatised by it. From her narrative, one can only imagine the fear that this woman experienced upon realising what had happened. What it does not state, however, is whether or not her assailant had also been inebriated. While he might have been sober enough to walk her back to her room in the early hours of the morning, it does not necessarily mean that he had not also been drunk at the time the hook up occurred, it does not necessarily mean that he was fully aware of what he was doing and therefore knowingly took advantage of her vulnerability. And that is where the problem lies with this narrative, it is one-sided and presumptuous – the woman herself could not recall the events of the night. For all anyone knows, her version may be a true reflection of the character of the man involved in this incident. It may also not be. The difference between this and the aforementioned Brock Turner case is that, unlike that instance in which there were witnesses to the rapist's actions on a clearly unconscious woman, the only "evidence" is based on patchy memories and vague third party input. The woman said that she felt that she should shoulder some of the blame for the events of the night because she had made herself vulnerable, however those committed to the rape culture theory will quote the oft touted "Why should girls have to protect themselves against rape as opposed to teaching boys not to rape?" perspective. I am not invalidating this perspective, however I feel that its application should be more carefully considered.

If a woman willingly places herself in a vulnerable position, should she not be somewhat accountable for consequences of her actions? I must stress that this is not a case of victim-shaming or absolving the perpetrator from responsibility for the crime, it is a case of applying common sense. A woman does not "ask to be raped", but if she places herself at risk then she is flirting with the possibility of an attack in the same way game park tourists stupidly alight from vehicles in areas teaming with wild animals. Did I just compare men to wild animals? No, I am comparing rapists to wild animals. Because a rapist is a predator who will seek out the vulnerable and prey upon them. And the fact is that we do not live in a perfect world and, unfortunately, you cannot assume that every person you encounter has good intentions. Which is why common sense would dictate that you do not walk down a dark alley way, alone, displaying cash or expensive accessories – you could get through the alley unscathed with your belongings, or you could be the unfortunate person entering into the radar of a lurking predator who will rob you (and possibly assault you). If you would not do that, then why would you allow yourself to be somewhat mentally (and quite possibly physically) incapacitated in an environment full of people who could potentially violate you?

In saying this, I am in no way justifying the crimes that could be committed in such situations or the perpetrators thereof and I am definitely not implying that such crimes should go unpunished (or only receive minimal punishment). I am also not saying that a woman should never allow herself to become inebriated in the company of men or that any woman who is violated while under the influence of alcohol or drugs should blame herself for her trauma, I am saying that one should be responsible when drinking and apply common sense in all situations. And I have personally seen an example of such senseless behaviour. My husband and I had gone out to celebrate a friend's birthday. While at a club, we noticed a couple being rather amorous on the dance floor. I had remarked to my husband that they should "get a room" because they looked like they were dry humping. We left shortly after seeing this spectacle. A week or so later, the girl that had been making out so furiously with her partner on the dance floor, was tearful and anxious – she did not know if she had been raped. Apparently she had gone home with the guy. She had not arrived with him, she had been out with friends. She had told her friends to go home and that she would "stay over" at the guy's house. More than that, I do not know. What was apparent was that this girl was irresponsible to drink to the point of not recalling the events of the night, she was completely lacking in common sense to willingly participate in actions which are often a prelude to intercourse and then still choose to go home with that person. Did she think that he wanted to cuddle with her? I am not saying that her actions implied consent, I do not know if she said "no", I do not know if she discussed her sleeping arrangements with the guy. What I do know is that, if she was raped, the assumption that the irresponsible behaviour which she appeared to participate in willingly had no role whatsoever in what happened at the guy's place, is an example of the victim mentality pushed in the rape culture narrative.


Another facet of the rape culture narrative that I take exception to is the idea that no woman would ever lie about being raped. Yes - rape is under reported, often due to the victim feeling ashamed and the fear that she (or he) will not be believed. That is a very real problem. Another problem is the fact that rape is under convicted and, when convicted, often only results in pathetically short sentences (which may quite possibly be associated with victim blaming). But the idea that no woman would ever lie about being raped is akin to believing in unicorns (and the rainbows that they defecate). Some activists try to put forward the view that women are perfect, holy beings incapable of deceit while men are sex crazed fiends, incapable of comprehending the meaning of the word "no". In the same way that radical feminists get upset when a man says "but not all men" when generalisations about men and sexual harassment and assault are made, I feel that "not all women" are necessarily honest and that some are shameless when it comes to making false accusations, particularly when such accusations can garner them attention which they may be seeking.


Victim blaming and shaming is a very real issue. It is an aspect of the rape culture theory which I know happens every day. Women are accused of "asking for it" because of their clothing choices, polite acceptance of flirtations, reciprocation of advances or (as already discussed) going out partying and getting drunk, but the use of the word "no" is somehow scrutinised and interpreted as being subjective as opposed to a definite refusal. It does not matter if both parties are naked and "ready to go" when one decides that they do not want to participate, no means NO. Yes, there may be some women that will tease men and allow relations to progress to a point where it is assumed that sexual intercourse will take place and then decide to refuse intercourse for their own sadistic pleasure, but that does not imply that every woman (or person) who backs out at the last minute is deliberately teasing. It could very possibly be a sudden realisation that they do not want to have relations with the other person or that they are not ready for intimate relations. When men accuse women of being "cock teases" for refusing sex, no matter what the reason for doing so may be, it is an example rape culture mentality because it implies that the man felt that he was entitled to have sex. Such entitlement is often also encountered in the dating scene – men expecting sex because they paid for a meal or the couple have gone on a certain number of dates. Some women have even described the experience of male friends helping them with car rides or chores and then presenting themselves to receive sexual favours. Entitlement.
To elaborate on the choice of clothing aspect which is often a major source of contention, as I've already stated, I believe that a woman should dress with respect for herself and be consciously aware of whether or not her clothing choice could be interpreted as being "attention seeking". That does not mean that, even if a woman is dressed in a provocative manner, it is an invitation for assault. The interpretation of what is considered to be provocative has a wide range of influencing factors; in conservative cultures the mere sight of a woman's full face could be considered provocative, or the sight of any portion of a woman's body when she is covered from head to toe. In Western cultures the interpretation of provocative normally refers to more blatant exposure of skin. Even if a man finds himself aroused by the way a woman dresses, that does not mean that he is entitled to have his way with her. I feel tempted every time I walk past Cinnabon, that does not mean that I can just take the delectable treats. If taking what I want by force because I was tempted by it in some way would be frowned upon, then why should a man be allowed to blame a woman for "tempting him" to rape her because he found her appearance arousing. A woman's body is her own, it is not general property which can be used as and when desired.
There is probably a lot more that can be said about rape culture, but I will leave this discussion as is. Although street harassment is strongly linked to and a part of rape culture, I will discuss this separately.

What I do want to teach my daughter

I want to teach my daughter that the term "consensual sex" is tautological because, by definition, sex is a consensual act. Sex is not classified as either consensual and non-consensual. Non-consensual sex is a euphemism for rape. It is that simple.

I want her to know that persistent and unreciprocated advances which have been rebuffed, yet continue amount to harassment. It is important that she does not confuse harassment with polite interest and passing of compliments.

I do not want her to think that she is absolved of responsibility for herself or her wellbeing if she chooses to imbibe alcohol (I am hoping that she does not experiment with drugs). I hope to instil common sense and a sense of responsibility in her which will encourage her to be cautious if she chooses to engage in such behaviour because most people will choose to drink alcohol and party at some point in their lives (hopefully it will be when she is of legal drinking age).

I do not want her to consider whether or not her clothing choices would be "distracting to boys" because it could invoke "sexual desire" when she gets dressed. I would want her, instead, to dress with respect for herself (as previously discussed). I do not want her to think that she is responsible for how she makes boys or men feel unless she is deliberately trying to be provocative or flirtatious. Men/boys are responsible for how they choose to respond to the impulses they have – and it is a choice! A man might not be able to override his central nervous system to prevent an erection, but he can decide how he "deals with it".

I want her to know that she can say "no". It does not matter what the situation is, she has autonomy over her body and if she does not want to engage in sexual activities it is her right to refuse participation. Yes, some women find themselves victims of assaults (physical or verbal) when they say "no" to entitled "men" (I use inverted commas because real men do not rape and feeling entitled to sex is a rapist mentality), but that does not mean that she should fear refusal. I hope and pray that she never finds herself in a situation where she could be pressured in any way into having sex when she does not want to.
I want her to know that predators come in all shapes, sizes, forms and genders. Not only men are rapists. Not only strangers may be malevolent. You cannot tell if someone is rapist by their appearance. Even a seemingly "nice guy" could be a rapist. But, in saying that, I do not want her to fear men (or people in general)! I want her to understand that there are bad and dangerous people in this world, but that there are also good people with good intentions.

What I do not want to teach my daughter

I do not want my daughter to think that all men she encounters will want to have sexual relations with her. Simple attempts at making conversation do not necessarily equate to sexual advances.
I do not want her to believe inappropriately quoted "statistics". As with the "pay gap" issue, and just about any issue for that matter, I want her to know and appreciate the importance of context in any situation. Rape culture does exist, but the theory is flawed. It is rape culture when women are held responsible for the actions of their rapists. It is rape culture when perpetrators of rape and sexual assault receive suspended or reduced sentences for reasons unrelated to their propensity to commit crimes. It is rape culture when someone says "she was asking for it". It is not rape culture to hold people accountable for their actions/decisions if these result in them making themselves vulnerable. The fact that the mentality does exist, does not mean that all men are part of it. I do not want her to think that men should behave carefully around her to ensure that she does not feel vulnerable due to their presence – women do not need to be mollycoddled! To expect such treatment is, to me, the opposite of feminism because it amounts to thinking that men should tip toe around women in order for women to feel comfortable and therefore empowered. Empowerment does not come from special treatment. When I originally read the linked article, I found it more patronising than anything else. I also wrote another blog post in response to it.

Street harassment

No standardised definition exists for street harassment. According to the website Stop Street Harassment, gender-based street harassment is “unwanted comments, gestures, and actions forced on a stranger in a public place without their consent and is directed at them because of their actual or perceived sex, gender, gender expression, or sexual orientation”. The website goes on to say that street harassment includes unwanted whistling, leering, sexist, homophobic or transphobic slurs, persistent attempts to initiate conversation or make enquiry, sexual names, comments, following, flashing, public masturbation and groping.

One of the big issues that I have with street harassment from the feminazi perspective is that even the passing of a genuine compliment can be construed as harassment. And with the definition provided above, it implies that you require someone’s consent in order to talk to them. How do you establish consent without initiating conversation? I can appreciate that the manner in which you choose to approach a person has a great influence on how your intentions will be interpreted, shouting at someone could easily be taken as being aggressive even if raising one’s voice was simply done to try ensure that you were heard.

I must admit that I am not very receptive to people I do not know trying to initiate conversation with me where no definite reason for the conversation can be established beforehand because I often find that when strangers approach me on the street it is to beg for money or to otherwise try to scam money out of me. I have also received comments on my appearance, some simply being well-intended compliments and others definitely having a sexual overtone. I have been whistled at. I generally do not find whistling on its own offensive, there are times when it has actually given me a self confidence boost. However, I would be uncomfortable if the whistling were persistent or accompanied by inappropriate commentary or propositions. That is my perspective on it and I am not suggesting that all women (or anyone for that manner) should interpret such interactions in the same way, but I do think that extrapolating a single passed comment or whistle as harmful sexual harassment is taking things a bit far. That being said, I feel that overtly sexual comments are inappropriate and do amount to harassment even if they are said in isolation. And with respect to isolated comments, if the person it originated from persists or demands a response from the passer-by then I can also understand it being interpreted as entitlement (patriarchal entitlement if the person is male). While social interactions generally do require a back and forth between people, if someone decides not to respond to another person in public setting where the individuals do not know one another, that is their prerogative and demanding a response does amount to a degree of entitlement. I have also experienced such an incident; I recall once having a man say something like “Nice legs” to me as I passed him. I chose not to respond. He shouted after me: “Say thank you!”. I continued walking along. He thought that I owed him a response, which I did not. I had not felt uncomfortable (even though what he said could be interpreted as having sexual overtones) until he called after me because that simple action told me all I needed to know about his mentality. I had another incident at a restaurant where a man walked passed me and said hello. At first I thought that he might have been a customer at one of the pharmacies I work at so I returned his greeting to be polite. However he then greeted me every time he walked past. I chose to ignore him as it made me feel uncomfortable. Eventually he passed me again and touched my arm. He had already been harassing me which was bad enough, but the fact that he went that much further to touch me was completely unacceptable. Those who know me are aware that I am extremely conscious of personal space, do not readily allow people into my “bubble” and only embrace people who are special to me. As I previously said, I believe that we all have autonomy over our bodies and the right to refuse physical contact and this is very important for everyone, especially, children to know.

A personal space enforcer

To return to the passing of comments, I have read a few pieces regarding the patriarchal entitlement behind a man telling a woman to smile. Or that she would look more attractive if she smiled. Such instances are often referred to under the hastag “everyday sexism”. The commentary reads something along the lines of “men feel entitled to comment on a woman’s appearance, they expect a woman to comply with their request for a smile, they expect the woman to ‘look pretty’ for them”. To me this is an overreaction if there ever was one. Personally, I do not like it when someone tells me that I should smile (a man or a woman) because I do naturally have a resting bitch face and if I am not in a good mood I do not understand why I should feign happiness for the sake of others. I am my own person and I do not “owe anyone my smile”. That being said, I can also appreciate how someone asking another person to smile could simply be intended as an icebreaker or encouraging a person to be happy and positive. With my RBF and my introverted nature, my facial expression can often appear extremely serious, worried and/or angry and sometimes a person making a comment on my expression can “wake me” from my reverie and I may just smile at the realisation of how the arrangement of my features caused someone to be concerned about my mental state. Women tell each other to smile. Women tell men to smile. Why is such an issue for a man to ask a woman to smile? To me it comes across as a double standard.

Another aspect of this dialogue is that street harassment and its associated focus on appearance also reduces women to objects. One only needs to look at advertising campaigns where the sexualisation of women (and even young girls) is rife to know that objectification of women in general is a problem. That being said, I do not see why women should take it as such an affront if someone whistles or comments on their appearance? Yes, women have much more to offer than just looks and should be appreciated for their intelligence, talents and achievements above their appearance, but context should be considered. An encounter on the street where the only thing apparent to the casual passerby is your appearance means that that is what will make an impression upon them because we can not necessarily project other important aspects of ourselves so that they can be perceived visually. So if appearance is what some random person on the street notices about you and chooses to show their appreciation thereof, is it really so offensive? If a woman's appearance were to be sole factor considered in a situation where her skills and qualifications are important, such as in a job interview, then that is a completely different matter. Looking at other people and perceiving their attractiveness is not something peculiar to men, just because women do not necessarily whistle or cat call at men does not mean that they do not look. And yes, I know that women probably do not externalise their attraction because of patriarchal gender roles with such behaviour probably being considered improper, but does that mean that in order to equalise we need to basically enforce the same kind of inhibition on men? To be frank, the type of man that behaves in such a manner is probably not someone that you want to become involved with anyway and, aside from that, it is doubtful that going on a feminazi rant is going to change his behaviour. My final thoughts on whistling and/or cat calling are as follows: interpret and respond to them in whatever manner you want to – take them as a compliment, ignore them or be offended. But keep in mind that being offended is probably not going to change anything – pick your battles.

The fact is that the human race would not exist if people did not reproduce. People would not reproduce if they did not encounter each other in some way (and no, I am not citing the caveman clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her off as a way to "encounter" someone). If every greeting, compliment or comment passed to someone else by a stranger is taken as harassment, how do people ever meet each other unless they are introduced by others or have common interests which result in them interacting in a setting which may not result in their interaction being interpreted in a negative manner? This might sound like an exaggeration of the situation and it probably is, but I would hope that it makes you reconsider whether or not a person you do not know giving you a compliment/trying to attract your attention on the street or in a shop or anywhere should immediately be chalked up as harassment.

What I do want to teach my daughter

I want my daughter to learn to take compliments in her stride and I do not want her to assume that when a man compliments her (whether it is regarding her appearance, the way she conducts herself, her singing voice - whatever!) means that he is making an advance or being inappropriate. The manner in which a compliment is given and the content of the compliment determines the intentions behind it, not the action of paying a compliment.

I want her to know that she does not need to respond to whistles/cat calls, but she also does not need to be offended by them. I hope that I (together with my husband) will be able to raise her to be confident enough in herself to not actively seek attention from strangers and that she will be discerning about the people she chooses to interact with and/or possibly become romantically involved with.

I want her to know that she does not owe anyone an explanation if she refuses to respond to greetings or questions from strangers. It does not matter if some people assume that she is being rude, it is important that she knows that she has autonomy over herself and if strangers misinterpret that she should not worry about it. However, I must stress that I do not want her to be disrespectful and I will try my best to ensure that she knows how to appropriately respond in different situations. Another aspect of this is that no woman should owe an explanation for rebuffing advances. If someone indicates romantic interest in her, asks her out on a date and she is not interested, she does not need to give reasons for her lack of interest. This is a common complaint, one that I have experienced for myself – men who think that any woman they show interest in should be grateful for the attention and should offer a sound explanation if she is not. And by “sound explanation”, some men will only accept defeat when a woman says that she is already involved with someone as though they need to be “owned” by someone else to justify their refusal.

I want her to know that sometimes the best response is no response. It is likely that she will encounter people making lurid comments about her (not necessarily directly at her) and I hope that she will have the common sense to know when she should and when she should not address such a situation. While I agree that sometimes the only way to bring about change is to address inappropriate behaviour when it is encountered, but sometimes it will be in her best interests to just walk away. Choosing to walk away might be seen as being weak or condoning of such behaviour, but sometimes it is simply the better choice to avoid confrontation for one’s own safety. This is a sad circumstance, but its application is not limited issues pertaining to gender equality.

What I do not want to teach my daughter

I do not want her to interpret every passing comment, whistle or catcall as harassment. I do not want her to assume that every time someone comments on her appearance amounts to objectification. I do not want her to confront people about their sexist behaviour if she could endanger herself. By that same token, I also do not want her to resort to armchair activism, using the internet to damn sexist or bigoted behaviour which generally does not accomplish much more than attracting the attention of sexist trolls.

Sexual expression and freedom

I do not think any parent wants to think about their child and sex, but the reality is that children do grow up and sex does become a normal part of life for most (obviously). So while the thought of my daughter having sex is horrifying in itself and difficult to think about, I do need to consider the attitudes that I would want her to have by the time she reaches sexual maturity. In our modern world sex is just about everywhere you look, from not so subtle advertising and innuendo to very thinly veiled sexual references in popular music and explicit sex on television programmes. Paradigms have shifted from sex being a dirty word to openly embracing sexuality. What is the right approach to talking about this subject? Is there a right approach?

Much like body shaming, period shaming, [insert term here] shaming, there is also slut shaming. With sexual freedom comes the shaking off of previous inhibitions, the acknowledgement that humans are sexual beings and should not be judged or persecuted for enjoying sex. And this includes women. However women who openly enjoy sex or engage in promiscuous behaviour are still often branded as sluts while it is seen as normal for men. A double standard? Definitely. One often perpetuated by parents not even realising their own hypocrisy – fathers telling their sons to “spread their wild oats”, while telling their daughters to keep their legs closed. I always thought that what was good for the gander is good for the goose, but I digress. Indoctrinating girls to believe that they need to remain “pure” for their future husbands is wrong if the same is not expected for boys.

How do I feel about embracing sexuality? It is a good thing because making sex a taboo topic ultimately only creates greater interest in it and it is a natural part of life. Do I feel it should be as openly embraced as it is currently? No. Call me conservative, but I would prefer that my daughter does not hum and bop along to pop songs which have obvious sexual content before she is even old enough to interpret the lyrics. But I am not talking about going as far as the Parents Music ResourceCenter and actively trying to censor music. This is a topic where I am extremely conflicted because while I might not necessarily believe that something is appropriate, I also do not believe in censorship in the broad sense of the word (I am so politically incorrect that I cannot believe in censorship!!).

Ultimately I think that sexual behaviour is an individual’s choice because there are so many factors which influence attitudes towards it. What might be important for a religious person with respect for sex may mean nothing to an atheist. Some people believe that humans are not supposed to be monogamous. Others see sex as a purely physical activity and do not feel it should be influenced by emotion. Whatever a person’s belief, what cannot be denied is that sexual promiscuity is associated with the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections, take from that what you will. And while sex is pleasurable, its purpose is for procreation so the fact that it may result in pregnancy should be kept in mind.

As far as sexual maturity is concerned, I do not think that it is appropriate for children to engage in sex. Ages of consent vary across the globe. Controlling sexual behaviour is impossible. I think most people can agree that it is horrifying to hear about children in primary school level being sexually active and that laws regarding adults engaging in sexual activity with children are definitely necessary. I do not even like to think about high schoolers being sexually active. But that does not mean that I judge people who (willingly) became sexually active at a young age.

It is quite obvious that this is again extremely difficult territory to navigate and striking the balance between sexual liberty and being prudish is, well, not readily achievable. As such I do not see much purpose in further exploring this topic.

What I do want to teach my daughter

I was raised in a Christian home and I have had my daughter baptised, meaning that I have committed to raising her as a Christian. As such I would encourage her to reserve sexual activity for when she is married. However, I do not want to be hypocritical because I did not wait for marriage (although I have only ever been intimate with my husband). So I cannot impose such expectations on her, I can only express my beliefs to her, explaining their moral origins, the risks associated with promiscuous and unprotected sex and let her make up her own mind about it. And I must stress that I would do the same if I were to have a boy (my husband and I share the same views on this matter). I can hope that she will choose a similar path, but ultimately I will not be able to choose for her. Thus I think the best option will be to have an open and honest dialogue about sex with her at an appropriate time so that, even if she diverges from what I would like for her, she will still feel comfortable enough to talk to me about sex so that I can help her.

I want her to know that sex is a natural and enjoyable part of life and that she is just as entitled as a man to derive pleasure from it. If she has expectations regarding what is considered to be appropriate sexual behaviour, I want her to apply these evenly to both genders.

I want my daughter to be aware of sexually transmitted infections, understand the risks and engage in safe sexual practices. Very importantly want her to respect that the purpose of sex is to reproduce and as such hope that she will be cognizant of the possibility of pregnancy. Together with this aspect, I would hope that she would reserve sexual activity for someone with whom she would choose to have as a partner to raise a child.

What I do not want to teach my daughter

As I have already said, I will not be able to determine what attitudes my daughter will adopt with respect to sex. Whatever her choice, I do not want her to use the banner of sexual liberty as an excuse for being promiscuous and indiscriminate in her choice of sexual partner (this is applicable to both women and men). That does not mean that I want her to be judgemental about such behaviour and use terms like “slut” to describe other women, I would simply prefer for her to maintain some reserve when it comes to sexual activity.

In conclusion

There are probably more issues that can and should be discussed. I will probably encounter more as my daughter grows, times change and we both become exposed to different things. However, I hope that I can be a good example for her. I do not want her to be anti-feminist, I want her to embrace equality and the means necessary to achieve it. I do not feel that radical feminism is the way to do this. To sum up my problems with the third wave feminist’s narrative: there is too great an emphasis on victimisation and not enough empowerment. Bemoaning the trials that women have to endure in a world still quite entrenched in historical patriarchy does not change them. Premature sexualisation, objectification, minimisation of intelligence and competence, expectations to be compliant with unjust and sexist societal norms – these are problems. They do need to be addressed, but whining about them as opposed to challenging them will not achieve much more than creating the impression depicted in this image.

One of the biggest challenges to feminism is that this is its common perception due to the victim mentality punted by the third wave feminazis

I think it is important to clarify that when I say “challenge”, I do not mean reprimand or attack. It is tempting to address sexist behaviour head-on, to tell off that man making lurid comments on the street, but it is not going to change the world. It is not going to shape the future. Lobbying for change is necessary, but start with vital issues. For none-vital issues, start with yourself. And by that, I mean challenge your perceptions of the world. Consider what is right, what is wrong, what should be changed, what can be changed, what can be ignored and what should not be accepted. Do your own research about issues, do not blindly accept what someone shares on social media or in a blog post. Read different perspectives, not just those that agree with your own. Adjust your own behaviour in accordance with what you feel is in line with aspirations for equality and be an example to those around you, particularly your children. Because our children learn by the example set for them. It is doubtful that you will be the only example for them to learn from, but as a parent your role is pivotal to their development. So foster good, healthy relationships – do not become involved in a relationship and tolerate behaviour that you would not want your own child to live with.

Raise strong girls. Encourage them to have aspirations and goals. Do not tell them that they are limited by their gender. Do not allow them to think that their appearance is more important than their intelligence. Do not use the phrase “like a girl” to describe anything in a negative manner. Do not use phrases like “boys will be boys” to justify or minimise inappropriate behaviour from the opposite sex. Raise boys knowing that they will become men, teach them to respect women and themselves.

Do I know the right way of achieving equality and changing sexist attitudes? No, but there must be a better way than whining, trigger warnings and armchair activism. And I hope that by enlightening my daughter, she will grow up to be part of a world with better relations between genders.